5 Signs of Toxic Triangulation
PLUS - 2 Examples of Triangulation in the Bible
Wait a minute…is that okay?!?
It’s a question I find myself asking a lot:
When I find some ‘fresh’ salmon at the back of the fridge that’s expired by just a couple of days and I’m wondering if I should throw it out or take a chance...
When that mole on my leg seems like it might be changing…or maybe it’s always been like that…it’s hard to keep track really…
When that check engine light comes on but the car is still running absolutely fine…
And finally, when something happens in a relationship, at home, at work, at church, and we’re not quite sure whether this falls in the realm of normal, or…something else.
Wait a minute…is that okay?!?
This post won’t tell you how to check expired food… but it hopefully will give you some valuable information about how to discern whether or not in your relationships your dealing with normal triangles, or, toxic triangulation.
Bowen Family Systems and Triangles
Last post, I wrote about Bowen’s basic concept of Triangles in families, and common ways that they show up in churches.
If you haven’t read it, I’d recommend giving it a quick glance before continuing.
You can find it here.
If you don’t know about Bowen Family Systems at all, and why mental health is both an individual and system wide issue, you can find a brief introduction to it here.
This post is about clarifying the difference between triangles and the dreaded triangulation, and will also include 2 in depth examples of possible toxic triangulation from the bible.
Here we go:
Triangles vs Triangulation
As a reminder from the last post:
triangles are happening all the time all around us.
In most healthy triangles, the outsider will shift around, people are constantly repairing relationship, seeking connection, and allowing themselves to be outside briefly as well.
In my own triangle between my daughter, my wife and I, I feel this fluid movement all the time. I notice myself outside - my daughter chooses my wife frequently. I love both of them, and the tension is low in our triangle so it’s not a big deal. Other times, my wife and I will put my daughter on the outside of the triangle intentionally if she needs to see we are unified in our parenting (like when we need to set boundaries with her). Other times, my wife is the odd person out when my daughter and I gang up on her when we’re playing.
The triangle is an ever-shifting thing that runs in the background and rarely does it become pronounced.
However,
when tension/anxiety increases in the family (or church), then the dyad/triad demands our attention.
David Lee Jones has a great article about the difference between triangles and triangulation in The Presbyterian Outlook. He describes the difference between the two as essentially one of motive:
In triangles, all parties are willing to work towards health/growth.
In triangulation, one member is trying to control the entire triangle.
Here’s what David Lee Jones says are attributes of mature people working through tension in a triangle as opposed to triangulation:
In healthy triangles people are:
Open and willing to speak to those persons directly;
Open to healing the relationship or to at least pursue some degree of peace, reconciliation or justice;
Not expecting others to take all of the responsibility to fix the problem for them; and
Not seeking simply to vent or talk behind the other’s back.
Mature dyads under tension will bring in a mature third party (and become a triangle), to help mediate the relationship in an attempt to work through the anxiety/tension.
This is what good marriage counselors/pastors are great at.
Instead of ‘choosing a side’ like both members in the couple originally hope the counselor will do, the counselor will help lower the overall temperature in the room by making both members feel listened to, while refusing to ‘choose a side’. They give the couple in therapy a firm, secure base to help turn towards each other and work on their conflict, without the therapist choosing a side and making one member of the couple an outsider. Unfortunately, this can be a lot easier said than done, because counselors (and pastors doing marriage counseling) bring in their own histories and biases and pain from the triangles in their own lives.
Counselors can also be brought in to help mature dyads in a church relationship that are struggling with tension. Sometimes two pastors, who are great people individually, just can’t seem to function optimally together. A few sessions of therapy could save you headaches, as well as bring overall health to the entire church system.
Triangulation, on the other hand, is not about seeking a resolution to the tension.
Triangulation is about bringing in a third person to try to control the other person/party in the dyad.
Here are the 5 signs of triangulation according to David Lee Jones:
5 Signs of Toxic Triangulation
Not open to speaking to the other persons directly;
Not interested in healing the strained relationship;
Expecting others to take all or most of the responsibility to fix the situation for them;
Just wanting to vent or disparage the other person with no real plan for reconciliation; or
Not very circumspect about their motives or actions.
Generally, when people are triangulating you - you know it and something just feels icky inside of you.
Other times, if the person is particularly manipulative, you may start to question yourself (gaslighting), and accept the triangulation.
In the real world, it’s not always cut and dry and clear when it’s a healthy triangle and unhealthy triangulation, as with most things, it’s frequently somewhere in the middle in the gray in between.
Here are two examples of scripture. Both seem to be triangulations to me, but I think arguments could be made that they are just triangles working through tension. I’d love to know what your thoughts are. Here’s the first one:
Triangulation in Scripture/The Bible - Martha and Mary
The first example of possible triangulation is from Luke 10:38-42 (NIV):
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one (or in some manuscripts: but only one thing is needed). Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
As Richard Rohr says, mystery isn’t something that’s unknowable, it’s something that’s endlessly knowable, and scripture can definitely be the same way. Looking at the text through a triangulation lens admittedly isn’t a perfect fit, and probably not the best lens through which to make meaning of the text, but it is an interesting one to play around with a little bit as we talk about triangulation.
Here are some thoughts about Martha and Mary and how triangles/triangulation plays a role:
Martha is distracted as the NIV puts it. One note - the greek word pûn can be translated as distracted, but also as perplexed.
This perplexity presumably creates a sense of anxiety within Martha, and she feels Mary should help her reduce it and is in some way responsible for it.
However, we don’t see any indication that Martha has spoken to Mary about the perplexity/anxiety she is experiencing. Martha feels that to alleviate her internal anxiety, Mary is needed, but she doesn’t go to Mary first and explain her perplexity/anxiety and ask Mary to help her with it.
The anxiety/tension Martha then feels at Mary’s not helping with preparations (and not helping to relieve Martha’s anxiety), is so great that she attempts to create triangulation with a third person: Jesus.
Is this triangulation?
Is this just a triangle working itself out but not necessarily on the level of triangulation?
Here are some factors for me when considering if this is triangulation:
Did Martha attempt to talk to Mary before going to Jesus?
Is Martha interested in working through and resolving the tension she feels with Mary, or is she trying to manipulate Jesus into turning on Mary and forcing her to the outside of the triangle?
Is Martha taking any responsibility for her part in the tension within the dyad of Martha/Mary (for example, owning her own perplexity in the situation, and noticing it’s contribution to the tension within the dyad)
What’s the intention behind the phrase ‘don’t you care’ that she says to Jesus? Is she trying to shame or make him feel guilty if he doesn’t side with her?
My own intuition is that this probably is a case of triangulation, since Martha seems to want to get Jesus to side with her and tell Mary what to do, rather than bringing in Jesus to help Martha and Mary work on their issues.
So how does Jesus respond?
First - he begins with a great reflection of feelings, which is a standard pastoral care/counseling technique where you hand the emotions back to the person you are talking to them.
In the reflection of feelings that Jesus gives, Jesus affirms to Martha that he has heard and understood what she is going through, and also, allows Martha to hear and understand what she is going through for herself:
“you are worried and upset about many things”
Amazing pastoral care.
Second - Jesus doesn’t take on Martha’s anxious energy, take the bait, and force Mary to the outside of the triangle because of Martha, which is great.
The metaphor breaks down a little here though, because Jesus actually gives different advice concerning how to handle conflict within a tense dyad in a different place in the Bible. Specifically in Matthew 18:15 Jesus advocates for going directly to the person you are in conflict with, which, I think ideally would have meant advising Martha to have a conversation with Mary about the situation, instead of trying to triangulate him in.
But had Jesus done that, none of the other usual interesting interpretations (Mary and Martha as stand-ins for contemplative vs over-active life, devotion vs frantic behavior, faith vs works, a porto-feminist take as Mary representing women’s place amongst those closest to Jesus, etc) would have been possible.
What do you think?
Triangle or Triangulation?
Triangulation in Scripture/The Bible - The Judgment of Solomon
A second example of triangulation in scripture is the Judgment of Solomon (1 Kings 3:16-28).
For me, this is a little clearer example of definitive triangulation.
Here’s the first part of the NIV version, verses 16-22:
16 Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. 17 One of them said, “Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me. 18 The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.19 “During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. 20 So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. 21 The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”22 The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.” But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.
The story begins with two women (sex workers) who disagree about which one is the true mother of the baby. One of the women is lying, while the other is telling the truth, but for the reader, and the king, it’s unclear exactly who is telling the truth. As both claim the baby as their own, the anxiety/tension in the dyad between the two women raises such that they need to bring in a third person (Solomon), to create a triangle with.
To me, for the woman who is lying about the baby being her child, this is an act of triangulation. She ticks off all the bullet points that David Lee Jones writes about:
She is not interested in speaking directly to the other woman.
She is not interested in healing the relationship between the women.
She is not interested in taking responsibility.
She wants to disparage the other woman.
She is lying about the truth. and is trying to triangulate with the king, thinking she can get him to side with her in the triangle, and she will get what she wants.
There’s probably a whole post to be written about dealing with narcissistic behavior, but, narcissism and triangulation often go hand in hand.
Many times, a narcissist will actually agree to go to couples therapy when the other member suggests it, because they possess such a sense of grandiosity, that they believe they will be able to charm the therapist/pastor, and convince them that the other person in the dyad is the problem. Unfortunately, sometimes it works. If however, the therapist can refrain from siding with the narcissist, they will act out and become upset that their charisma isn’t working as they envisioned it would, and leave therapy.
It’s worth noting that there is also another triangle in the story - the triangle between the two woman and the baby they are fighting over. In this case, because the baby can’t choose a side, it can not resolve the tension/anxiety between the dyad of the women. I thought it was just worth noting though, to show that triangles are all over the place if we become aware of them.
Back to the text:
23 The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”24 Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. 25 He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”26 The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”27 Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”28 When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.
The King first states in v.25 to “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.” As he does this, it seems as if he is abstaining from choosing a side in the triangle. The woman who is the actual mother then speaks in v.26 saying, “please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”.
The mother is saying that she is willing to be put on the outside of the triangle between the two woman and the baby, in order to ultimately help her child.
After the other woman (the one triangulating) says she would rather the King cut the baby in two, the king ultimately makes his decision to side with the mother, and give her the baby (putting the other woman on the outside of both triangles - the triangle between the women and the baby, and the triangle between the women and the king).
Finally, the story ends with one theoretical triangle - the one between the king, the community of Israel, and the woman who lied about the baby being hers. As v.28 suggests that Israel held the king in awe, the community sides with the king, forcing the lying woman to the outside of that triangle as well.
You now know how to identify the difference between triangles (which are a normal part of a human social system), and triangulation (which are signs of manipulation and control).
But…what do you do if you find yourself being triangulated?
We’ll talk about that in the next post here.
Triangulation can be pretty confusing and disorienting when it’s happening to you.
Thanks for reading and I’d love to know what you think:
Are these biblical examples triangulation, or just triangles?
Can you think of any other examples of triangulation from Scripture or anywhere else?
Leave your response in the comments below.
Thanks for Reading!
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About the Author
Travis Jeffords is a National Certified Counselor and Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate in North Carolina. He holds a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of North Carolina Greensboro, and a Master of Divinity from Christian Theological Seminary. Travis writes on the intersection of faith, spirituality, the church, and mental health.