It seems as if all the great spiritual master’s tell us that we don’t learn from our successes, but, oddly enough, from our failures. When we succeed, we continue to keep doing things the same way we’ve always done them…nothing changes at all. But it’s when we mess up, and reality breaks in and humbles us, that we are given the opportunity to realize that maybe we still have some growing to do.
I remember the first year that my wife and I lived together was a year full of adjustments for the both of us. She worked an early shift providing people with resources at the American Cancer Society, while I was in graduate school for music composition at the time. She would make dinner when she got home early, and I would arrive after a full day of classes and ensemble rehearsals, and we would sit down for dinner together. It had to be within the first week of living together and sitting down to dinner together that, towards the end of the meal she said, “you know, I’m happy to make dinners for us…I like cooking and I’m done with work before you get home…but it’d really mean a lot to me if you could at least tell me ‘thank you’ and let me know that you appreciate what I’ve done’.
I was honestly kind of shocked! The thought of thanking her, embarrassingly enough, had never even crossed my mind! I immediately apologized and thanked her…and then I think I probably called my parents and thanked them for 18 years of meals that I had never said thank you for either.
In this post we’ll look at:
What research says about the importance of gratitude, thankfulness, and support in marriages and couples
The exact ratio of positive to negative comments that predict a thriving marriage
Examples from Hebrew scriptures about the importance expressing gratitude
Recap
This post comes in the middle of a series diving into some of Dr. John Gottman’s theories around couples and relationships. Dr. Gottman is the preeminent couples researcher in the United States, and probably in the world. He was videotaping, analyzing, and coding couples conversations since the 1970s (back when computers were the size of 3 refrigerators), and is so good that he can predict “whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for just fifteen minutes”(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman, p. 5)
The last post centered around the importance of men accepting influence from women in heterosexual relationships, and explored an interesting scripture where Jesus appears to “accept influence”, and change his mind and perspective after encountering a non-Israelite woman. Could it be that learning from others and opening ourselves to understanding their position is so important, and such a part of being human, that it’s something even the Son of God does?
You can read that post here if you’re interested.
This post is all about the importance of thankfulness, gratitude, positivity, and support as foundational to happy and healthy couples.
Okay - here we go:
Gottman Research and the Magic Relationship Ratio
In the 1970’s, Dr. Gottman and his team had newlyweds argue in front of them for 15 minutes, and then followed up with couples nine years later. It’s so simple that it’s almost unbelievable, but, one of the key differences between couples that stayed together and couples that ended up divorcing was the balance between positive and negative comments when couples were arguing.
That “Magic Relationship Ratio” they found, was that a couple needed to offer five positive interactions or statements about the partner for every one negative statement about each other.
If a couple is around a one to one ratio or below of positive to negative statements, their relationship is very, very likely to end in divorce.
So what are some concrete examples of positive interactions that you can implement in your relationship right away?
Here are 6 Example of Positive Interactions in Marriages:
Showing Interest - This can take all kinds of different forms. Anything you can do to show your partner that you are, in fact, interested in them. Asking open-ended questions (questions that require more than a one word answer like ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to respond) about what your partner is experiencing or going through, and giving subtle physical signs like nods and eye-contact show your partner that you really are interested in them and their perspective.
Showing Affection - Again, there are all kinds of ways partners can show affection for one another. Physical examples include a hug, a kiss, or a hand hold…not just in order to initiate sex, but anytime during the day. Verbal examples include saying “I love you”, or complimenting your partner. Showing affection can also look like helping with chores or housework.
Saying Thank-you - I remember being taught that ‘please’ is a magic word growing up. In couples though, the magic word is ‘thank-you’. Anything and everything your partner does for you, the relationship, the family, etc., is a great opportunity to just say ‘thank-you’ and let your partner know you notice what they do, and you are grateful for it.
Agreeing Whenever Possible - During any disagreement, look for the areas that you can agree with and mention those moments. Are you and your partner disagreeing about how to parent? What would it look like to seek agreement to momentarily break the tension and allow your partner to feel your support. It could be something as simple as, “I know we’re having trouble figuring out where we agree about how to parent at this moment, but I also know that you really care about our kids just as much as I do, and we both want what’s best for them.” I’ll also mention the technique of fogging later in the article, and what it means to seek agreement even when your partner may be critical of you, personally.
Joking at the Right Time - Having the ability to lighten up tension by a well-timed, light-hearted joke is something that happens in great relationships. Mistimed, or done with an edge towards hurting a partner can have disastrous effects, however, the ability to know how to diffuse a tense situation as it’s beginning to escalate with a moment of humor is something that great master couples possess.
Understanding Your Partner’s Perspective - This is a big one. Instead of listening to find flaws in your partner's argument, or listening to prove how right you are, listening in order to understand your partner, and then sharing what you hear your partner saying does wonders for a relationship. Something as simple as “it makes sense that you feel…”, or “what I’m hearing you say is…”, or, “it sounds like you’re feeling…”.
Positive Statements and the Book of Proverbs
The book of Proverbs in the Hebrew Bible is a “literary anthology of Israel’s traditional wisdom, gathered from diverse spheres of life”(New Interpreter’s Bible Commentary, Vol. III, p. 751). Just as Dr. John Gottman has been able to distill down 50+ years of research into couples into a few basic principles (like the importance of positive statements), the book of Proverbs similarly seeks to distill ancient Near East wisdom into simple sound bites.
These sound bites are difficult to make sense of without the original context of the ancient world, and even more difficult for contemporary listeners to wrestle with given the patriarchal worldview and assumptions present in the culture from which these bits of wisdom emerged.
And yet, it appears that the ancient wisdom held within Proverbs 16:24 reveals some of the truths that Dr. Gottman solidified with his scientific research thousands of years later:
Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,
sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
-Proverbs 16:24 NRSV
Pleasant Words
The Hebrew word for ‘pleasant’ here, nôʻam, is used seven times in the Hebrew Bible. In addition to pleasant, it is used to describe kindness, delightfulness, beauty, suitableness and agreeableness.
The connection between pleasant, or kind words and health to the body in the proverb is not just a nice metaphor. There is actual scientific evidence that frequent criticism is not only a relationship killer, but also an actual killer as well:
A study of over 3,000 older adults over 5 years found that partners who experienced frequent criticism had poorer overall health, and higher mortality rates.
Positive statements matter.
I mentioned earlier in the article what it looks like to name the shared values that you and your partner have, and to bring that sense of nôʻam, or agreeableness to the forefront in your conversations.
But what does it mean to be agreeable even if a partner is being critical of you?
If you don’t agree with everything a partner says about you, what would it look like to agree with even just a part of it? This technique, called fogging, is popular in assertiveness training as a way of reducing the conflict and tension in the room, and allowing you to bring a sense of agreeableness to the conversation, thus lowering the tension, while also honoring your own sense of truth.
All you have to do in fogging is agree what whatever part of a statement feels accurate or true to you. Oftentimes in people's criticism there is a kernel of truth. If you can agree with just a part, and state that, then you can be both agreeable, and maintain your own integrity at the same time.
For example, if your partner says “you always get angry and you always yell at me”.
It makes sense that a part of you may bristle at that comment - certainly you don’t always get angry.
But - is there some truth to that statement from your partner?
Do you sometimes get angry?
Have you ever gotten angry?
If you can simply agree with the part that feels correct and respond with something like, “you’re right, sometimes I do get angry when I get upset”, instead of focusing initially on all the parts that you don’t agree (for example, “I don’t always get upset”), your partner will feel heard, reducing the tension in the conversation, and you’re also helping to clarify your own position.
Honeycomb
While honey and honeycomb are generally thought of as positive things in our culture, the book of Proverbs varies a great deal in how the substances are used and talked about.
The image of honey is especially telling in its ambiguity. It is not quite solid, not quite liquid. It does not hold its shape or stay in place. Its boundaries are not firm. It represents what is sweet and good…and also what is addictive and potentially dangerous. To eat too much honey is not good (25:27). Greedy flies get stuck in it, and it sticks to greedy children. Honey certainly sweetens life. But by itself, it neither makes a square meal nor quenches one’s thirst. A satisfied person disdains honey (27:7). It is crucial to take only the honey that is properly yours and only the right amount for you, lest it make you sick.
-New Interpreter’s Bible Commentary, Vol. III, p.789
In Proverbs 16:24, honeycomb is undoubtedly positive. Again, going back to the connection between positive statements and marital health, the ratio Gottman found is 5 positive statements to every 1 negative statement.
One of the keys for me though is that in a healthy relationship there is room for conflict and differing opinions and ideas. It is possible to disagree with your partner, and still be respectful of your partner, and seek to understand their position.
The “honey” of compliments and positivity becomes problematic if our conversations are so sweet that we can never process difficult issues together as a couple. If one member of a couple is simply compliant (click here to read about common types of emotional reactivity), then what looks like a happy couple without any conflict, may actually be a sign that there’s something deeper happening that needs to be addressed.
Here another honey proverb comes to mind:
If you have found honey, eat only enough for you,
Lest you have your fill of it and vomit it.
Proverbs 25:16
If a couple has too much sweetness and honey, meaning that they are not able to have vulnerable conversations where they disclose their actual needs because of a fear of conflict if they did have an authentic, real conversation, that’s an issue.
That’s a very different kind of honey than the honeycomb mentioned above in Proverbs 16:24.
So, just to sum it up - in order to thrive, couples need positive communication and comments, that’s totally a key to a lasting relationship. But, they also need the ability to work through difficult conversations as well. If they can learn how to combine both and express positivity towards their partner in the midst of conflict where they also feel free to fully express themselves…then that’s really a sign of a healthy couple.
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About the Author
Travis Jeffords is a National Certified Counselor and Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate in North Carolina. He holds a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of North Carolina Greensboro, and a Master of Divinity from Christian Theological Seminary. Travis writes on the intersection of faith, spirituality, the church, and mental health.