What Emotional Health in Families, Churches, and the Workplace Looks Like
7 Signs of Self-Differentiation
Enlightenment, True Self, Self, Self-Actualization, Christ-consciousness, Individuation, Self-Differentiation…
These are some of the terms (and I’m sure there are more - if you’re thinking of another drop it in the comments!) in the spiritual and mental health world used to describe, in their own ways, the process of getting in touch more and more with who God calls us and has created us to be.
Raising our emotional and mental health brings peace and clarity to ourselves, as well as the families, churches, and communities we are a part of.
But what does emotional health even look like?
This post contains 7 Signs of Self-Differentiation, and dives into that question.
Bowen Family Systems Theory and Church Health
We’ve spent the last few months talking about Murray Bowen’s Family System’s Theory and how it applies to mental and emotional health in the church from a group, or systems, perspective.
If you want to start from the beginning of the series - can start here.
For Bowen, the problem with families (and other groups like churches), is that they can become emotionally fused.
In emotional fusion, members of the group are
Extremely emotionally reactive to one another
Share an extreme sense of togetherness
Don’t allow a healthy sense of individuality
Triangulate with one another in order to deal with their anxiety and tension, and in an effort to control other members of the group.
React through compliance, rebellion, power-struggles, or distancing
Families and churches can get locked into relating to one another in these unhealthy patterns for literally generations!
Fortunately, there is a way forward for both individuals, and the groups. Bowen calls that way forward Self-Differentiation.
Self-Differentiation is comprised of emotional and mental health, but also with a sense of deeply knowing yourself and your values, and being able to stand in those and remain calm and curious of others.
Want to go more in depth about what that looks like?
Here are 7 Signs of Self-Differentiation:
7 Signs of Self-Differentiation
1. Can differentiate between a feeling and a thought, and utilizes both
Murray Bowen imagined a ‘Scale of Differentiation’, with numbers from 0 to 100. At the top end around 100 were high self-differentiated people (Bowen didn’t think anyone actually reached this top level yet, it was just theoretical).
On the lower end of the scale were people “immersed in a feelings world”. These people were aware of their feelings and emotions and reacted to those feelings inside of themselves strongly, but aren’t able to access their rational/thinking side at all.
The next level up are people who are still driven by emotional reactions, have some sense of thinking...but are ‘dogmatic’ instead of self-differentiated. I’ll talk about this group more in #2.
The next level, is self-differentiation
Self-differentiation is where someone is aware of their emotions, and aware of their thoughts, and aware of the difference between the two.
According to Bowen,
“when feeling and intellectual system are different…both can be free”.
If we act just out of the intellect, Bowen describes that we are “cold and unfeeling”.
Furthermore,
over-intellectualizing is frequently a trauma response - we retreat into our head when it feels unsafe to exist in our body and in our emotions.
Existing only in feelings can make us too reactive and groundless, existing only in thinking leaves us “cold and unfeeling”.
Knowing how to differentiate between a thought and feeling, and utilizing both is a sign of self-differentiation.
2. Gives up allusions about how a group or others are supposed to act
Just like I mentioned in #1, In Bowen’s ‘Scale of Differentiation’, right above people ‘immersed in feelings world’ are the Dogmatics.
Dogmatics are people who are driven by strong principles about how people should or are supposed to act in ways that are idealistic and naive.
They are using their thinking side, and can make really compelling logical arguments, but they are still driven, dominated, and “bogged down in the feeling system” to quote Bowen.
It’s not that dogmatics aren’t ‘smart’ or ‘intelligent’ or ‘rational’...some dogmatics can make incredibly persuasive well-reasoned arguments…it seems like the issue is that the emotional system is still dominating and the person is still in a highly reactive mode, rather than being able to work harmoniously with the thinking side.
I recognize dogmatics in church groups as individuals who feel that they have to try to hold the community to extreme, unsustainable, unrealistic expectations out of a sense of duty, obligation, or a romantic idealism.
I had some great friends in their mid 20’s who were Catholic Workers. They were a group of about 8-10 individuals committed to social justice. I admired their work at the time, and in many ways, I still look up to and admire them today. However, one of the members of the group was particularly dogmatic. The group was led by consensus, and unfortunately, this member's dogmatic positioning could create tension within the group and make it difficult to find healthy ways forward the entire community could embrace.
When the conflict got particularly intense, the group brought in an outside mediator - an associate pastor I knew from a local congregation. Members of the group began to share that they were committed to justice, and had devoted their lives to it, but also felt that they were coming up against their own limitations, and were struggling to find a way for the community to engage the work in a way that seemed sustainable. The dogmatic member spoke out and said, “in signing to become a member of this group, we have taken up a vow to end homelessness in our town. Until the day comes that we end homeslessness, we are not successful in accomplishing our goal and therefore we will not rest”.
The mediator, who probably had about 30 years worth of perspective and wisdom on the group, chuckled lightly and said, “well, I have to tell you, you need to re-imagine your goal. I know you don’t like hearing this, but you’re not going to single-handedly end homelessness in this town. There have been bright, passionate, justice-minded Christians working for generations and generations to end homelessness, and yet it still exists today. And it will exist tomorrow as well.
You can make a real difference the lives of people experiencing homelessness…but your goal is not possible, and you will burn yourself out, and everyone else out in the process, if that’s your only measurement of success and achievement”.
The dogmatic person, holding the group to an unachievable or naive goal out of a sense of shame or idealism, is not self-differentiated.
It’s possible to work towards issues of justice, and to create real change that the group can get behind and believe in and be a part of, and to be more balanced and less “bogged down in the feeling system”.
3. Does not try to control others (actively or passively)
A self-differentiated person doesn’t need others in the system to act a certain way to ease their own anxiety, or serve their own ego needs.
When we attempt to control others, actively or passively, it is an attempt to ease our own anxiety.
This is what triangulation is all about. One person seeks to control another by bringing in a third person to apply pressure to them.
The self-differentiated leader of the group is calm, curious, and open to the outcome, as opposed to trying to secretly control others because of their own agenda.
This self-differentiation lowers the temperature in the room, lets people feel a sense of togetherness and individuality simultaneously, and gives a cue for others as to how they should interact with each other.
The group may still have to make difficult decisions that not everyone agrees with, but there will not be the same divisiveness and hostility during, or after, the decision the group has to make if leaders and members do not try to control others.
4. Can face criticism or approval and remain emotionally grounded
I heard a story once, of a young man interested in becoming a rabbi. He goes to the rabbi, an older man, and expresses his interest and sense of call, and the rabbi tells him to go outside to the cemetery and to spend all day cursing the graves. So, the young man goes and all day long he shouts at the graves, and curses the people in their graves in any way he can think of.
When he comes back the next day , the rabbi tells him to go to the cemetery and praise the graves. So the young man goes and spends the whole day giving praise to the people in their graves.
The next day, the young man comes back and asks him why the rabbi had made him do this. The old rabbi looks at him and says, when you can react to someone cursing you and someone praising you, as those people in the graves reacted to you…then you will be ready to be a rabbi.
I can’t, for the life of me, remember where this story comes from. And, honestly, it may have been a pastor and not a rabbi…I really can’t remember. But - something about this story has stuck with me long after the source left my mind…and it fits well with #4.
Furthermore, it leads right into number 5:
5. Acts out of a deep sense of their own carefully considered convictions
Self-differentiated people know who they are, what they are about, and what they believe.
They don’t change their position to gain the short term approval of others (this is what is negatively associated with politicians, and why people dislike politicians so much…)
Self-differentiated people aren’t afraid to speak their truth.
Not in an arrogant way,
not in an aggressive way,
not out of a need to tell others off,
not in a need to be self-assertive,
but out of a desire to be true to themselves, and recognizing that their voice has a special place in the group, as does everyone elses.
Contrast this with compliance, an emotional reaction where people are afraid to express themselves authentically because they want to avoid creating emotional tension within the group.
A compliant person isn’t truly easy going or relaxed, though it may seem that way…they’re simply conflict avoidant out of their own anxiety.
6. Focuses on self (in relationship) rather than others in the group
One of the great tropes of couples counseling is that both members of the couple come in fully expecting the therapist to side with them, and join them in basically berating the other person into making the changes they want them to see. (Triangulation)
The real work of therapy that produces actual change, however, is when members of the couples begin to acknowledge and take ownership of how their own issues are playing into the dynamics of the relationship.
Once members of a couple focus on what they can each change in themselves, their relationship stands a chance.
The truth of a church group (or family, or any other system), is the same as a couples relationship - we can only change ourselves.
In changing ourselves, paradoxically, we can change the group.
7. Remain Calm, Curious, and Open in an Emotional group
When groups are emotionally fused, enmeshed, reactive and volatile, it only takes a single person to change the self-differentiation level of the overall group. A self-differentiated individual can remain calm, curious, and open. They focus on maintaining that calm and curious in themselves no matter what happens within the group. If they’re able to maintain that state, while also articulating their own values, others will eventually notice it, and eventually, be able to raise their own self-differentiation as well.
Focus on self is not the same thing as being cold, distant, overly-intellectual, or uncaring
Focus on self is about learning to be curious about what is happening within yourself, and others, and letting that curiosity replace emotional reactivity.
I remember a heated church council meeting at a church I used to work for. The church found themselves in a particularly difficult financial situation (honestly, I bet 95% of churches could say the same thing) and a conversation was taking place about whether to end a small early morning service that was requiring a lot of church resources. The meeting was about 3 hours of intense emotional statements given by members of the church - both for and against the proposed change.
I have to admit, I found myself emotionally pulled in. I did not speak, because I recognized that I was not in a place where I could contribute anything of value in that moment. I could feel my body tight and tense throughout the night.
However, at moments in the evening when it seemed the tension was getting particularly high, the lead pastor would simply walk up to the front, and, just by projecting a sense of calm, ease, and peace, was able to significantly lower the temperature in the room.
He didn’t take sides or try to prove anything, he would just say something simple like, ‘boy, I recognize we’ve got a really hard decision to make. It seems like we all really care about this place…and I hope we can care about one another in the process as much as we care about the outcome”
In the end, the church council decided not to take a vote that night, and to meet again the next month to continue the discussion.
After the meeting I ran into the lead pastor in the church office and told him I didn’t know whether I was going to be able to sleep that night because I was so emotionally worked up and drained all at the same time.
He just smiled and said ‘Oh, I’m going to sleep like a baby. I care about this community and I hope we can find the best way forward together, but, I’m not going to let it steal my joy…because that’s what they need most from me right now.”
This has been part 2 of a 4 part series about self-differentiation and emotional health.
The next two posts take a look at Jesus’ family through a lens of self-differentiation, and see how that may have played a part in shaping Jesus’ high level of self-differentiation, and finally, we’ll talk about 3 different ways you can move forward to raise your own level of self-differentiation in the future.
Thanks for Reading!
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About the Author
Travis Jeffords is a National Certified Counselor and Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate in North Carolina. He holds a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of North Carolina Greensboro, and a Master of Divinity from Christian Theological Seminary. Travis writes on the intersection of faith, spirituality, the church, and mental health.