In my late 20’s I lead worship at a church with a high level of division and cliques within the church. There were 4 separate worship services, many with different preachers and different music directors. Each service saw the others as threats to their existence and as taking valuable financial resources from them.
A new pastor was appointed to the church not long after I arrived, and one of the first things he did was pull the entire staff into the room for a conversation.
“Listen,” he said, “during staff meetings and within the staff, we can disagree. We’re not going to always see things the same way and that’s okay…we all care deeply about this church and the direction we’re headed and disagreements will happen and are natural. But…we have to have each other's backs. If you immediately leave the room and start complaining to members of the congregation…things are not going to improve at this church. If church members complain to you about members of the staff and you agree with them and talk about how terrible other members of the staff are…things are not going to improve.”
And…the pastor was right.
And the church did improve once the staff were able to feel supported by one another, and then that trust spread outward over time to the congregation.
If you want to see improvement in your own church, workplace, or family…and wish you knew how to handle the situation when you feel like you’re being triangulated against - this post is for you.
Triangles vs Triangulation Series
This is Part 3 in a series on Triangulation.
For a brief intro to Bowen Family Systems, and why looking at mental health from a systems perspective can be helpful, check out this post.
For an introduction to Bowen’s concept of triangles in relationship, read this.
To see the last post about triangles vs. ‘toxic’ triangulation, as well as some examples of how triangulation pops up in scripture, click here.
Quick recap for those of you that just need a reminder:
Triangles are naturally occurring phenomena in human interactions. When the tension between 2 people (a dyad) gets too high, people will look to a third person to help bring down their anxiety. This is natural and a part of human nature. In triangulation, however, one member in the dyad looks to manipulate and control the third person into siding with them, and turning on/controlling the other member of the dyad.
The Three Types of Triangulation
There are actually 3 different ways triangulation can occur within a triangle:
Type 1 - when you get frustrated/upset/anxious with someone, and need to talk about it with a third person.
Type 2 - when someone you have tension with is talking to a third party (or group of people) about you.
Type 3 - when someone who has tension with another person, is talking to you about the other person
Those are the 3 possible permutations of triangulation.
Here are some basics about what to actually do about it:
Type 1 - When You Need to Talk About Someone Else
Like I wrote earlier, triangles are a completely natural part of life. When tension increases within a dyad, we look to hook someone else in to ease the tension. If there is a situation where you feel like you are a recipient of injustice, then you do want to bring in a third, neutral party to help.
However, if you’re looking to bring in someone else to control the dyad, that’s a red flag.
If you feel tension with another member of your church, job, family, etc. and need support, look to someone outside of the community. A counselor is a great option. A friend from high school that you keep in touch with is good too…whoever - just as long as there is no chance that this will create triangulation within the system.
There’s also a big difference between talking to a third party to get them to agree about how correct we are and how wrong the other person is (which, I have to admit feels good, but it does absolutely nothing for our own development or to help the situation), and inviting in a third person for honest feedback and to seek clarity about what is happening inside of you in that moment. Ultimately, we should be seeking clarity from these third parties about what our own role is in perpetuating the tension, and seeking wisdom about what steps we are going to take to address the conflict with the other person…then, once we have clarity, go back to and engage the original person we have tension with from a more grounded and self-aware place.
If we triangulate with other members of our church about another person or group (again, not seeking help with a resolution but seeking to win people over to your side), there is a high likelihood it will backfire. Emotionally mature people often feel uncomfortable with this kind of behavior because they intuitively know, if you’re willing to triangulate with this other person, they will be willing to do it with them someday down the line too.
So, just to sum it up:
Process the tension in the original dyad with someone outside the system, then, when you’re ready, reengage the original person in the dyad, seeking to lower the tension.
Type 2 - When Someone Is Talking About You to Others
Matthew 18:15-20 has a great way to deal with triangulation.
If someone in the church, workplace, etc is dealing with the tension they feel in your dyad by trying to manipulate others against you: you go talk to them about it:
15 “If your brother or sister sins (some manuscripts say sins against you), go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. (Matthew 18:15)
Approach the person from a place of humility and curiosity. Acknowledge any part you have intentionally or unintentionally played in causing the rift, while also not taking ownership for more than you are responsible for. If you have the conversation while you are still upset, it will not go well - they will feel your tension and will probably become defensive.
If you can enter into the conversation from a grounded place, without getting defensive, then the chances of repair are much higher, depending of course, upon the emotional maturity of the person you’re talking to.
Usually people are not triangulating because they are ‘evil’ or malicious. Many times people want what’s best for the church, your family, the workplace, whatever - they just don’t know how to handle conflict well. You get to show them how to have disagreements in a way that allows for differing opinion, while still maintaining and ensuring the emotional health of the community. Sensitivity and care is absolutely necessary for the repair of the relationship, and the good of the church community.
In the end, rupture and repair is a part of any relationship, and in order to attempt to repair the relationship, you have to go to the person there is tension with, and try to work through it.
I think the same applies for church leaders/members and triangulation. If we can have the difficult conversation quickly and with integrity and with the best intentions for everyone involved, you may be able to relieve the tension in the dyad, and end up with a better relationship than before. The temptation is always there to start our own triangulation and start talking to other members of the staff or other church members about the person who is triangulating against us, but that won’t solve the issue…it only creates more triangulation amongst other people, who then create more triangulation with other members, and so on and so on, until the tension is released in the system, usually through scapegoating someone else.
You have to talk directly to the person.
I have to admit that I was a little weary of even bringing up Matthew 18:15-20.
While it does contain a really beautiful picture of accountability working in a healthy way in a Christian community with checks and balances in place, this scripture has often been used to justify incredibly emotionally damaging behavior on the part of churches.
I once heard Diane Langberg on a podcast say something to the effect of,
too often the church the has an obsession with authority, when it should be concerned with love.
I don’t have much to add to that, except what we each already know and have experienced in our own hearts - the church, and all organizations, are made up of complicated people with insecurities and wounds. At times, by the grace of God, there are moments where we are able to briefly transcend our toxic patterns to experience God’s grace with others.
Then, there are times when we are so driven by our own conscious and unconscious injuries that we seem to only be able to see the image of God in ourselves. But as it turns out, in those moments, the image within us that we attribute to God is like an image in a fun-house mirror: distorted, warped, and stretched almost beyond recognition.
This is why I am passionate about mental health and the church. The more we are willing to do the deep work of becoming aware of our own issues, struggles, and shadows, the less inclined we are to act them out on others, the healthier the overall church community will be, and the more possible it is to witness a more accurate and beautiful view of God in our midst.
Type 3 - When Someone is Talking About Others to You
When someone is trying to turn you against someone else because of the tension in their dyad, it’s very tempting to rush in and take sides and be the arbiter of justice, the referee, or the hero. And sometimes…we do have to do that:
In the story of the Judgment of Solomon which we talked about last post, the king had to make a decision. It wasn’t possible or advantageous to abdicate his responsibility and leave the women to just figure it out on their own. But, in the case of triangulation, when someone is talking about others to you and trying to hook you in and get you to take their side, it’s best to point them back to the original person in the dyad they have issues with.
I have to admit that this is not always as easy as it sounds. Just last week I was doing a couples counseling session and inadvertently said something that made it sound like I was siding with the husband. The wife immediately escalated the situation, because she consciously or subconsciously felt threatened and placed on the outside of the triangle. Fortunately, I was able to respond to her heightened tension in a way that made her feel heard, was able to apologize and claim my own mistake in the moment…but these moments of other people asking us to join with them against others can happen in obvious and not-so-obvious ways all the time.
Amber Ault, in her very e-short book on triangulation, mentions “13 Magic Anti-triangulation Phrases”. Imagine what would have happened had Jesus used one of those phrases in his interactions with Martha and Mary. What if Jesus had reflected Martha’s feelings by saying, “You are worried and upset,”, but then to use one of Amber Ault’s phrases, had followed it with this:
“If you have a concern with Mary, you should talk with Mary about it directly”.
At this point, Jesus would have refused to take a side in the triangle, and would have given Martha the message that he was not going to be manipulated and take Martha’s side and Mary’s expense. Like I said last week, I believe Jesus handled the situation differently in scripture because there is a different point that is trying to be emphasized other than how to handle triangulation, so I don’t think it’s really fair to blame Jesus for not giving an ideal triangulation response in this case.
Wondering what else you could say?
Here are five more great phrases from Amber Ault:
5 “Magic Anti-triangulation Phrases”
If X has a problem with me, I hope they’ll tell me directly. I don’t want you to be in the middle, so please don’t tell me any more about what X thinks of me.
Let’s get X over here right now so we can all three talk about this directly.
I’m uncomfortable talking about people who aren’t here.
I’m sorry you’re having a problem with X. What are you going to do about it?
I can’t really get involved in your business with X. I am confident that you can sort it out.
Ault Ph.D., Amber. Triangulation: Narcissists, Borderlines, & Other Toxic People Do It. How You Can Stop It. Why You Must. (p. 26-27). Next Generation Books. Kindle Edition.
See how in stating these phrases, you refuse to let yourself be brought into the triangulation, and send it back to the original dyad. One note: in the case where the two people in the dyad have different power differentials (such as a young female complaining to you that an older pastor wants to have an inappropriate relationship with him), you would not instruct her to go back to the person with power to work it out. You need to go with them (like in Magic Anti-triangulation Phrase number 2), or go to the appropriate channels within your church or workplace or community.
What Else to Say
It’s one thing for me to sit here and write about having difficult conversations with people who have upset you, but I recognize it’s an entirely other thing to actually do it.
I have definitely had conversations with clients who were upset with something a family member or co-worker said to them. We’ll go around for 10, 15, 20 minutes thinking of all the things they could have meant, all the possible reasons behind what they were saying, all the ways their childhood wounds or personalities may have contributed to their need to say what they said. Psychoanalyzing others is fun! We’ll talk about all the ways it hurt the client and brought up their own past injuries, etc.
Then, at some point, I’ll usually say something like:
You know what you could do…you could, in a curious, grounded way - talk to them about it.
Clients will sometimes be kind of shocked and ask essentially, ‘how would I even do that?’
This won’t apply well in every situation, but I often recommend saying something along the lines of this:
‘I’m really curious about something that happened the other day, and I’ve been trying to make sense of it. When you did/said X, what was going on inside of you? I’m not sure I was interpreting what happened correctly, so I wanted to ask you more about it.’
Then, if they’re able to be honest and authentic with you, you’ll have a glimpse at what was going on inside of them. If you feel like the issue is that they don’t understand how what they did/said impacted you, you can always say:
‘I’ve been thinking about this thing that happened the other day. When you did/said X, I felt X, and I just felt it was important to share that with you.’
So that’s the end of the series on Triangulation. Next up is a brief series on Self-Differentiation, which is the last part of a broader series on applying Bowen Family Systems to the church setting.
If you’re wondering, what would it be like to leave contentious meetings feeling calm and at ease…or what would it be like to have difficult conversations with loved ones without feeling like you’re losing you’re cool…or, and this is probably the best example…what would it be like to spent a week to your parents without turning into a 13 year old version of yourself all over again…then this series is for you.
In this series on self-differentiation we’ll cover:
The four most common types of emotional reactivity that occur inside us and others.
What emotional health (or self-differentiation) in church, workplaces, and families looks like.
Note: New content now being published at www.travisjeffords.com/blog
If you’re struggling with mental health issues, get started today at www.travisjeffords.com
About the Author
Travis Jeffords is a National Certified Counselor and Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Associate in North Carolina. He holds a Master of Science degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of North Carolina Greensboro, and a Master of Divinity from Christian Theological Seminary. Travis writes on the intersection of faith, spirituality, the church, and mental health.